Hard Words

There’s a corner where we stop and take a short break on the bike ride. Leashed up in a yard nearby was a cute little dog. His leash got caught up in something, and he couldn’t move much. A woman came out of the house and over to the dog. He wagged his tail all eager to see her, and she scolded him harshly for getting tangled up and this and that, and he just kept wagging that tail.

And that completely bothered me, so badly that I almost started crying on the ride as we pedaled away.

Because I can remember being that woman, all harsh and scolding, to my (now ex-) significant other one day when he was happy to see me, and I was unhappy to come home to find the trash can still out at the curb and goodness knows what else.

Sometimes life provides you with a mirror, and you see some things in yourself that you really don’t want to see.

I am so sorry, so sorry for that moment.

What did I say to my students last week? it is the hard words that you will regret. So say the kind ones, whenever you can. Damn it.

Little slips of paper

I wrote earlier about my plan for the final presentations. I handed small pieces of scratch paper out to my students, and I tasked them with writing down the things the presenter did well, and any questions they had. I was already pleased with the results.

How could I not be pleased when they had questions to ask at the end of presentations? They had plenty of nice things to say to the presenters. It was easy to get the conversation started.

This is what one student wrote in his a final portfolio letter to me about what he learned in the class:

My favorite moment from the semester came after my Final Project presentation. … After my presentation, I was really down on myself. I got very nervous while presenting, missed points that I wanted to make, failed to answer questions that I knew the answer to, and on top of this I had gotten very little sleep the night before. When I got back to my seat, the little slips of paper were sitting there. Reading them absolutely turned my day around. While I cannot pinpoint an exact lesson I learned here, I can tell you that I really appreciate all of the effort you took to make this class a positive and enjoyable environment for everyone. I learned that a professor that really cares about creating a welcoming environment can make all the difference.

Am I ever glad I ran that experiment.

Endings

All good things must come to an end.

My life has been full of endings lately. I’ve told some friends privately about the wrap-up to my disastrous interview, but not everyone. If you are a friend reading this here, and I didn’t contact you, please forgive me. It hasn’t been easy to talk about, and this was not appropriate fodder for an emotional Facebook post. May I even make a request? If you are a personal friend and you want to say something to me about this that alludes to the actual real-life people involved as opposed to a general wisdom or insight on the situation as I’ve written about it here, please make it a private message, rather than a comment.

Here are the background links on the situation:

  1. What’s an Excellent Teacher (non-tenure track) worth?
  2. Survived
  3. Rebuttal

Thank you to all who took the time to comment, and, in several cases, discuss the situation and how it might be handled with me in depth. The wrap-up was that the relationship with my significant other has been difficult for a while now. Perhaps that was the main reason he was reluctant to go to bat for me or to even negotiate even a delay of his start date with this university. That ended the relationship. In some ways this has been very hard. In some ways it has been very easy. I am angry with him for not even giving a token protest over the way I was treated, when he was the reason that I was in that situation in the first place. That is absolutely unconscionable in my mind. That speaks, too, to the difficulties in the relationship predating these events.

Endings are always hard for me. This is no exception, but thus far, I think this time I’m earning an A in breaking up. There is no turning back. There is no fixing this. Nothing to do but face what is and move forward. I’ve been taking very good care of myself. Exercise. Good food. I like having nuts in the house and on my salads again. I’ve reconnected with friends that I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve tried some new things. I’ve asked for help, and I’ve gotten help. I’ve had some bad days, but I’ve also been surprised to have quite a few good days. It is nice when someone else’s mess moves out of your house, and the only ones you have to deal with are your own. And, my gosh, it is nice to realize that so many people care about me.


* * *

Second, the semester comes to an end. I am glad to get done with the grading, but I am also sad to realize I won’t see most of my students again. Our final class meeting was last Friday for the final exam, which, for my class, is the remainder of the project presentations and pizza. And then a wrap-up.

I was pleased that one of my faculty colleagues came and stayed for the entire class period, even participating in writing out the good points of the presentation on the slips of paper for my students. Another came as long as she could.

The presentations were all good this semester. One or two wobbles here and there, but that’s to be expected. The students all gave competent professional presentations geared toward an audience of non-experts.

I asked the students what they learned. A lot of LaTeX and Matlab, which is always to be expected. A student even said something like, “I never would have believed this at the beginning of the semester, but I will use LaTeX in the future. It is a good tool.” Time management and how to approach projects. I think someone even mentioned the steps in mathematical modeling, in particular, making assumptions and simplifying when approaching a problem.

I teared up trying to do my wrap-up. I told them that having many students from prior semester taking the course is always an honor, especially since this is a purely elective class. Waking up a student with the line “Now we are going to talk about sex.” Working with students on LaTeX and Matlab. Listening to students do peer review and thinking, “This is really going all right.” The excitement of seeing the final projects come together.

Last, I gave them a few things that I wanted them to take from the course that don’t have all that much to do with mathematical modeling.

First, from the Efficient Portfolio Frontier, pay yourself first. Once you are out of school and start working, take money out of your paycheck before it hits your checking account and put it away for savings and investment. Pay yourself before you pay anyone else. Save for a rainy day. I told them how having savings saved me from worry when I needed to quit my software job without having figured out what I was going to do next.

Second, writing is a skill. Practice and you will improve. You can do it.

Third, you will be a different person at 40 than you were at 20. Your life will have high points, but it will also have some real defeats. Keep your honor, grace, integrity through it, and you will get through it.

I should have told them something that always comforts me when things go really wrong. Your worst moments will always end up being your best stories. Once they stop hurting so much.

Last, if you have the opportunity to do a kindness, take it. You will regret hard words you said to someone else. The kindnesses you will be able to hold close to your heart when things go wrong. You will regret the times you passed up an opportunity to do or to say something kind. So don’t pass them up. When you see them, take the opportunity.

This certainly relates to my thinking on the first item discussed in this post and my regrets.

My students did take the opportunity to say kind things in those final portfolios. About me and about each other. I am looking forward to sharing some highlights with you.

Suckitude

The beginning of finals week is always a period of great unhappiness and stress.

Students look at their grades, seemingly for the first time, and ask instructors to magically save them from the consequences of prior inaction.

Instructors are trying to juggle getting exams prepared with answering last minute questions from students.

Instructors pay for every little delay they’ve made in preparing their grade book.

Departmental administration and college-level administration have to deal with the onslaught of complaints from students about their unfair instructors who are not magically saving them from the consequences of prior inaction. Scheduling stress too, as projections for the fall entering class come in. Sometimes that stress trickles down in, say, my direction.

Not that I should complain too much. I am relatively well-off this end-of-the-semester. I don’t give a final. My students hand in a final portfolio, so yes, I will have some writing to grade, but the portfolio description has been prepared since the beginning of the semester; I didn’t have to write that this week. It isn’t like my students need a lot of help in preparing a final portfolio. I only had four visitors today, and I answered questions on our discussion board.

Mostly for the past two days, I’ve been working on things for our REU (Research Experiences for Undergraduates) program which starts on June 1, and catching up with some students and colleagues that I haven’t had time for in a while.

Tomorrow during my “final exam” I will finish out the class’s project presentations. We will have pizza, since the exam period is from 12:30 to 2:30 pm, which will be paid by the bursary I earned by doing the first-year seminar class in the fall. Some presentations will be good. Some presentations will be slightly less awesome. The pizza should be delicious.

I hope a few instructor-friends will show up for some pizza and to watch a few presentations. I am looking forward to the end of this semester. My classes were good; my careful attention on keeping it positive made a difference. Aside from that, it was a very difficult semester.

Public Service Announcement

Link

Dear Students,

If you are going to come complain to me about your grades, please do the following first.

  1. Read the syllabus for the course so that you know how you are actually being graded.
  2. Remember that if you don’t like the policies in the syllabus that you could have dropped my course during the first week. Now you are going to have to live with them.
  3. This applies, in particular, to the late work policy … and any other policy you may not like very much right now.
  4. Look at the comments I made on your paper that explain the reasons for your grade before you start arguing with me about why it should be higher.
  5. Remember that if I made a mistake, I will always be happy to fix it.
  6. Remember that I get a lot of complaints about grades at this time of the semester, and this gets really old really fast.
  7. Remember that being a pain in my ass is not going to improve your score.
  8. Last, keep in mind, I don’t give grades. I report what happened. You earn what you get; no freebies.

To those of you who accept your grades with grace and dignity, even though the outcome may not have been what you were hoping for, thank you. I hope you know I may not have wanted to record that grade any more than you wanted to earn it, and I am grateful to not have to argue with you about it too.

Sincerely,

Dr. Jinx

Believe that they are all worthwhile

I wrote this after a conversation with a colleague that bothered me. This was probably a year or more ago. I never sent this. Honestly, I don’t think it would have been well-received. I ran across it again today. Rather than throw it out, here it is.

I think this goes well in partnership with this other blog post: http://smallpondscience.com/2013/04/23/student-quality/
—————————————————-

Hi Colleague,

I couldn’t help thinking further on our conversation from yesterday. What I heard, and perhaps I misunderstood, was a lot of categorizing students into boxes. I think it is easy to put human beings into neat little boxes, especially when we are frustrated. These students are good. These students are bad, and they aren’t worth my effort.

If we can’t walk into a classroom with the belief that they are all good, all worthy, all human, then I think we’ve failed our first and most important job as instructors. Not every student is great at math. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy human beings. And it often doesn’t even mean that they aren’t trying, even though we all know that some aren’t.

They are all incredibly young, and their mission here is to figure out what it is they have to give the world. Maybe it’s math. Maybe it’s not. But I have something important to teach them whether it’s math or it’s not. Sometimes it is how to try harder. Sometimes it is how to study smarter. Sometimes it is no matter what their struggles with math are, that they are valuable human beings. Sometimes it is that actions have consequences.

If I go into it with the true belief deep in my heart that they are all worthwhile, I better open the door for them to learn, whether they are gifted and hardworking or not. If I walk in with the attitude that many (or all) are worthless, then I shut the door for the learning; my attitude itself discourages my students’ best effort.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t find some students absolutely maddening and infuriating and lazy. I’m teaching a 300 person business mathematics class; that leaves me ample opportunity to get angry and frustrated. But I sincerely hope that even if I get angry and frustrated, that I still see them as worthy and capable of doing better than whatever it is they just showed me.

From our conversation yesterday, this is not what I was hearing. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe you were having a bad day. But I hope that this is what you try to bring to your students — all of them — because I think that they and you are worth the effort.

I was terrified of that business mathematics class; of it being an unending battle in a hostile, math-hating environment. Like I said, there are students that irritate me, but overall, I would say, the concern and warmth I have brought to them has been returned by them. And that is a gift for me and for them.

Best,

Dr. Jinx

Introducing Dr. Smith from the National Institutes of Zombie Control and Disease Modeling

We’ve continued using scratch paper to write down the good parts of presenter’s talks.

After the first presentation, I started pulling out some over-the-top introductions for our speakers. Class, please welcome Professor Jones from the National Ocean Research Institute (a talk on Phytoplankton). Class, please welcome Professor Jane Doe from the Institute for Baseball Research and Numerical Modeling (modeling baseball bats and the sweet spot). Class, please welcome Dr. Finance a senior analyst at Morgan Stanley (the efficient portfolio frontier). Please welcome Dr. Mary Smith from the National Cancer Institute (tumor and immune system modeling). And of course, today we had a Zombie Outbreak (4 zombie talks in a row) in the afternoon course, with much madness and mayhem.

I should have brought my This is my Zombie Killing Shirt to class ..

Say something nice

I ran the experiment today. I was rather pleased with the results. Students had no problems coming up with questions at the end of each talk, nor with praise for their classmates.

Here’s an example note. This one accidentally got left behind in the morning class. The student presenting was talking about a mathematical model for tumor growth and immune response.

M442presentations

This student got rattled by time running out for her presentation. Too many interesting things to say, and not enough time. It was still good job, and I am glad to know the classmates agreed.

In my afternoon class, I have two young ladies, neither of whom can make it to the final final presentation period for class, when we will finish presentations and have pizza. I asked them out to lunch next Monday. Both have been through their share of personal and academic troubles, but both have rallied and done well this semester. I want to tell them that I am proud of them.

Final Presentations

The final projects are (mostly) in. Students start giving their final presentations in class tomorrow.

I will pass out pieces of scratch paper to the class and give instructions that they are to write down what the speaker does well and any questions they want to remember to ask at the end. If there’s anything else nice they want to say to the speaker, include that too.

Since I give grades (and criticism), I thought it would be good for the speakers to get plenty of praise from everyone else. I try to give praise too, but with a few students, I admit that I struggle. Hopefully it will be a feel good exercise. Maybe it will even promote paying attention.

Cleaning up messes

The refrigerator gave up the ghost on Sunday. Today it is finally emptied out, although the mess is not completely gone. A few things in a cooler. Should I toss, or are they still cold enough today? Things on the countertops. Should be emptied and tossed. I won’t have a new fridge until the middle of next week. One step at a time. I can get through this.

Projects were originally due today for my class. I gave everyone an extension to Saturday at midnight, since I know I won’t look at them before then. Even with weekly due dates for progress on the projects, some students are far behind. This frustrates me a lot. They will be miserable trying to get finished up. Some ask, “can you look things over tomorrow?” Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t have a lot of time tomorrow. I will try to look quickly for you if I have time, but that is all I can do.

I’ll be glad when this is all over. Days like today I wonder why I do projects, especially a long project. It would be easier not to, but the learning experience of doing is profound. And there you have it.

Good things today:

  • Lunch with my Goldwater Scholar and a friend of his who I taught a few semesters ago.
  • A visit from a friend who was in my building.
  • The Honor Council Banquet and heading out there with two colleagues.
  • Being able to give a positive report on a student who had many troubles last semester.
  • Some students doing some real thinking and interesting work on projects.
  • I looked awesome and professional in my Hepburn pants, wrinkle free shirt, and jacket today.
  • The ballot on instructional titles passed the tenure track faculty. I could be an instructional assistant professor next semester.