It’s been a tumultuous week, not all of which I can even discuss yet.

Yesterday was perhaps the apex, with news that a job offer from my first choice school is pending. I wrote about my worries before the interview, but they knocked that out of the ballpark. I still had some concerns about the size of the community, but having seen a few more places and having more time to think about it leads me back to the thought that the signs and portents are good.

I’m still worried about negotiating out the financials. I want to take a step forward in my career, and that certainly includes a step forward in compensation. In moving from industry to academia, I took a big hit financially. I want to say that from here it is only fair to have forward momentum, but there is no fair in this world. But, fact, I want to have better compensation at my new job than at my old. That is part of what makes me want to move forward.

Of course, the whacked out, dysfunctional world of the old department makes staying there feel untenable or uncomfortable at best. I pressure myself, and a few others have also pressured me to find a way to make the current situation acceptable. This makes me want to scream and cry like a small child. Surely, surely, surely, I’ve tried. At an extreme cost to me in stress, distraction, and time. The response has been that I’m a special case. That we don’t want to address the situation head on, we want to see if it settles down. We don’t think my concerns represent a larger problem. And that is the larger problem. If every sign of a problem is just an individual little thing, then it is easy to dismiss each one. And that’s what I’ve been seeing again and again and again.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is to stop beating your head against the wall. My head hurts. I’m tired of beating my head against the wall. I will ask my department if they want to make a counter offer, but the rest is on them.

I know I should greet all of this with gladness, but tonight, I have just felt distraught and sad. I’m up in the middle of the night having trouble sleeping, and I know I need the rest. Too much stress, bad or good, can overwhelm a person, and that’s me right now. I want some safe place to be.

I’m trying to find words to comfort myself, but they just aren’t coming.

The closest I can come is to give it a few days. To get some good rest (which is laughable when I am up in the middle of the night). To trust the process, as I’ve said so many times. Good things are happening. I hope I can start to feel good about them.