Radio Silence

Finally, the day comes for me to break radio silence. My last post was on February 5, titled “Are you okay?” and for a while, the answer was mostly no. I know I haven’t gotten that answer back to yes. Maybe it still is mostly no. But I recognize that it isn’t helping me to avoid doing things, like writing here, that just plain give me a sense of satisfaction.

It’s also hard to address an absence. Yes, if you are a friend of mine, I would be glad to hear from you. On the other hand, I don’t want you to worry. I’m not drowning, and I don’t need a rescue. Honestly, lately, I’ve been a not-so-great friend, I’ve been doing far from my best job at keeping in touch with people that I care about. That, too, is a symptom; one that I need to work on changing.

I think these depressive funks we all get into tell us that we do need to change something. Or several somethings. Having been through a year of big changes, it is hard to face more, and it is also hard to figure out what exactly to do. Some problems take time to solve. Some problems you cannot solve, you can only run away from them.

How do I get started doing things? I know to break big tasks into smaller tasks and do one small step at a time. I know the coping strategy of setting a timer for 5, 15 or 30 minutes and getting serious for that small amount of time. The harder it is, the smaller the time period you pick. I still feel myself dragging my feet, sitting and web browsing rather than typing, opening up computer code, scheduling tasks, unpacking, cleaning, chore-doing, etc. Sometimes I can even drag my feet on going to bed.

I’m looking at this post, and I’m not satisfied with it. And you know what? Satisfied or no, it’s complete. I’m about to hit publish, and I hope I can take some satisfaction from that.