Getting Started

Second day of class today. We got down to mathematical business in the multivariate calculus class. The first class talked to each other and me, but the second class was a lot of silence. Gotta work on that. I feel like I’ve given them things to do and think about (including in class) and that’s what I want.

In the graduate numerical methods class, we had our first work day. The students have my standard LaTeX assignment to work through. They were new LaTeX, and I was new to the computer lab… it didn’t go completely smoothly, but it went. I’m worried that students will start working on documents in the lab and then not be able to get their documents off the computer later, but, ultimately, that’s not my problem.

We’ll talk about it tomorrow. As expected my computer scientists, one the most part, took to LaTeX like ducks take to water.

I’m not completely ready for what I need to teach tomorrow yet, but I’m not far off. And, as of tomorrow at 2 pm, my third day is through, and I am off to a good start.

I am worried about everything that October is going to bring. I have to have a 30 minute talk ready (I *thought* somehow it would be 15!) for the weekend of October 11, and I have to have a 40 minute talk on another topic ready for Oct 28. Somehow it will all get done, right?

At least that’s what I keep telling myself. One small step at a time.

Assistant Professor

First day of class. First day of class on the tenure track. First day of class doing something that, for a while, I wasn’t sure I dared dream I could do.

I don’t know for sure what will stick in memory from this day or from this quarter, but I know there will be things that will stick because of the ephemeral sweetness of a first time doing something.

I know that some things will go well and others poorly, but I will improve from here. Right now I am still acclimatizing to this place, to this culture, and trying to figure out what I need to do.

I didn’t do much math today; mostly I tried to start the foundation of a classroom culture that is warm and accepting, supportive, hardworking, where everyone can have a voice if she or he wants.

The one fun math thing I did was in the numerical methods class for the master’s students. I said epsilon > 0. True or false, 1+epsilon > 1. And we voted. Everyone voted for true. Including me. And I voted for false too. And then explained that for a mathematician the statement is obviously and trivially true. But not so on a computer. I pulled up Python and did a demo to show. And that’s to some extent what the class is about. How and why do computers make mathematical errors and what can we do to avoid them?

And onward from here. Today 3 classes taught. Tomorrow, 9 am, my 4th class taught at my new school.

Being the Bad Guy

So I was the bad guy today. Last week’s bike ride was fun, but resulted in about a half hour or maybe even 40 minutes of five of us riding in the dark, where two of us had full sets of lights, two had taillights, and one had nothing. The time before that with this group, we had a flat and got back into the dusk, and I recall that I either turned on my lights or wished I had them with me.

My experience with the other group, the mountain bikers, has been that we haven’t yet gotten back before dark resulting in some fairly scary rides for me.

So for tonight’s ride, I commented that everyone should bring lights, or buy lights, or let me know and I can bring an extra set for them.

Reply: we’ll be back before dark.

My reply: yeah, but one flat tire or person not going fast enough and you are out after dark.

It was clear I stepped on some toes.

Part of me feels bad about that; we did get back before dark tonight. But part of me says hey, c’mon, bringing lights when we are quickly running out of daylight is just a sensible idea. People make mistakes. People get flats. And asking participants on a ride to wear a helmet or bring lights just in case is not an unreasonable burden, even if your plan is to be back in time.

I know I’m just the newbie here, and so I don’t get credit for 12 years experience of leading my own rides. No one knows or cares what a League Cycling Instructor is and using the credential to bolster the argument is arguing from authority, which isn’t right either. That frustrates me. It also frustrates me to see the rejection of sensibility in mitigating risk. We might get delayed beyond what we expect. So we prepare for the eventuality.

So internally there is the discomfort between not being the bad guy, and knowing that it is my belief that yes, I am willing to be the bad guy on this issue. It’s not a nice place to sit. While I hope I am constantly learning wisdom on how best to handle people in these situations, I hope I am also willing to state what someone or no one wants to hear when it is the truth, and it matters.

Loneliness

I’ve been here for over a month now, and on the most part, it has been a good time. But after the business of MathFest wore off, and some of the novelty as well, I find myself struggling more with loneliness.

I’ve been doing a good job of getting out to meet people. It just takes time.

I knew before I moved that a period like this would happen. At least, with classes starting soon, I have lots to do. I don’t have a lot of time to mope.

What’s the recipe here? Keep getting out and doing things. Good books. Reach out to people. Accept that there will be unhappy days. Keep doing things; don’t let sadness cause paralysis.

Count some blessings too: it is easier to be here than it was to get packed up to leave. That was hard, and sad to leave my community behind. There is a ton of interesting stuff I want to do here. Sure it would be nicer with a friend or two, but it is still great solo. There is a ton of opportunity here for me. I just have to make the most of it. Which means getting my work done and keep making progress, even if it seems slow. It is really beautiful here. I can’t get enough of the view. I did it; I applied for the jobs and I made the change. That was more than what I thought I could do a year ago.

Swimming in Circles

I get to the end of today, as with yesterday, as with previous days, and I am not sure at all what it is I have accomplished. It feels like I am swimming in circles in circles in circles in circles and getting nowhere at all.

This isn’t quite true. I can tell you that yesterday I met with my colleagues in Computer Science and gathered intelligence about a course I am teaching and the graduate program I am involved in. It was nice to get an invitation to a party (a social party!) from one person I talked to.

Today I went through training so that I can maintain and create my own university website and have it be integrated into the system the university uses. I put up some content, although not a lot. I ordered a tablet and a back-up drive for my computer, and while doing so I just boggled at the amount of time it took to look over reviews and specs. I even found them for a much lower price, but it turns out we can only order from the one place, so I might as well have not bothered with that. Grump.

I have syllabi started for both courses I am teaching, but neither is finished, and nothing ready for first classes or first assignments.

Swimming. In circles. In circles. In circles.

The trick to getting big amorphous projects done is to break them down into smaller, concrete tasks, and then tackle the smaller, concrete tasks. To figure out a measurable outcome and to aim for that consistently. I know that’s where I’m not succeeding. It would be smarter to spend a half hour either once a week or even every day laying out the “what I want to get done” in small tasks, rather than flailing around at one thing then at another without much of a plan.

It would also be good to turn the social media off so that I cannot get side tracked by “you’ve got mail” or another notification from Facebook. Or turn it aside for a while.

Tomorrow is another day. And one of my favorite quotes is

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.

(by Mary Anne Radmacher)

While I don’t feel all that small, it is still the right thought. I will try again tomorrow.

Hurts

At some point yesterday, I realized my fall off the bike on Wednesday left me with more hurts (hip, shoulder) than just a bruise. Nothing that a short amount of time won’t fix, but I do hurt. Maybe that helps explain why that fall left me so shaky and upset at the time.

I’m feeling unmotivated to go out and do much in the way of exercise — or much of anything at all. That, in turn, makes me feel guilty for wasting some beautiful days here when I could be out exploring.

I realized that I’m also feeling lonely. I’m doing a good job of getting out there and meeting people, but just acquaintances, no friends yet. Friendships take time to develop. Having someone else eager to go on an adventure would probably get me out there. I could have gone on a bike ride with the road group this morning — but they don’t really know me yet. I wouldn’t be missed. Back home — okay, not home anymore, my old home — I was the one who organized the rides. I bloody well showed up, whether I felt like it or not, or I would be missed.

Soon after typing this, I need to pull myself together enough to go explore the local farmer’s market. Walk around a bit in the sun, and stop feeling quite so sorry for myself. Even if that hip does hurt. Maybe it will loosen up some if I walk. While I am walking I can consider whether I want to drive out somewhere this afternoon to explore, or take care of getting more of my things set-up or doing an overdue chore in my new apartment home. I need to do something other than sit and mope. Because that’s not doing anyone, most especially me, a whole lot of good.

Lessons learned geocaching and mountain biking

Lessons learned while geocaching

  1. Just because you know where it is, doesn’t mean you can find it.
  2. A good question to ask is, if I were the person hiding it, where would I put it? I.e. put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
  3. A GPS (or any fancy piece of equipment) can only help you so much. After that, you are on your own.
  4. Sometimes we all get functionally fixed on something, and can’t see what else is there. If you aren’t finding what you are looking for, think differently about the situation.
  5. Persistence pays off. You may not have your out-of-the-box thought the first time you try, so don’t be afraid to go home and return. Keep at it.
  6. If you really are getting frustrated, ask a friend for a hint or help.
  7. There are a lot of interesting things around you that you’d otherwise never notice.

Lessons learned while mountain biking

  1. There’s nothing wrong with riding up and down the curb in front of your house until you are comfortable with how your bike handles obstacles. I.e. don’t worry about starting small and taking baby steps forward.
  2. Uphill is hard. Keep at it, and you will improve. But know when you need to stop and catch your breath. Or get off and walk.
  3. There’s no shame in walking something that’s beyond your ability level. Better safe than sorry.
  4. You probably won’t get hurt much when you are starting out and scared of everything. You will get hurt when you develop competence and confidence and start riding at your limit. And if you are going to continue, you do have to get back on the bike.
  5. Downhill is fun, but downhill can be scary. If you’re going to ride it and not walk it, get your butt behind the seat, go easy on the brakes, and trust your bike. I.e. you don’t have absolute control. You have to give up some of your desire to control completely in order to have any control at all. (Think: controlled fall. But it is a fall. If you let it, your bike will do its best to take care of you.)
  6. If you can’t stand getting bruised, you are in the wrong sport. But who wanted to be a swimsuit model anyhow?
  7. Listen to your body; it will tell you the difference between minor bruises and really hurt.
  8. Listen to your brain/spirit. It will tell you when you need to take a moment because your fear is taking over your ability to perform.
  9. If you listen to yourself, and take care of yourself, you will find that your fears and anxiety lessen, and that falls that don’t result in real injuries become much less frightening.
  10. Ice is nice. If you know you’re bruised, put a cold pack on it. Take care of yourself.
  11. Persistence pays. Just keep riding, and you will grow stronger and more skillful.
  12. Every fall has a lesson. Make sure you take the time to learn it.

I came off my bike twice tonight. The first time was annoying, but I knew I was fine. The second time, I know I hit the ground pretty hard. I knew I wasn’t really physically hurt; I’d have a bruise, but nothing really wrong. My brain, however, wasn’t having such an easy time of it. I had to sit for a few minutes to pull myself together, because that fall scared me pretty badly.

The one and only panic attack I have had was on a mountain bike ride. There was a rocky, cliffside trail, and eventually, I did, indeed, take a fall down the rocky downhill side. I was bruised up, but not otherwise physically damaged. I was also in a race, and I felt obligated to push forward to get the best time I could. A few minutes later, I was having problems breathing, and it had nothing to do with how hard I was riding. My brain, logically and calmly, analyzed the situation, and informed me that I was having a panic attack. A part of me was all fascination: it’s true that you can’t breathe when you are having a panic attack! The logical part was very calm and said I had to get off the bike, sit quietly, and calm down. It was like I was partially outside of myself observing what was happening. All while something in me was panicking so badly it was taking away my ability to breathe. I wonder if I scared the corner marshall I came across at that time. I took a seat in his chair while I steadied myself. I walked almost every obstacle after that. My nerves were shot, and I knew it.

The terrain, loose dirt and rock, which was skeetering my bike around, plus the dark, did my anxiety level no good for the fall tonight. Four rides in three different places do not get you used to the way mountain bikes handle on different types of trail. I had a light, and that helped, but it wasn’t enough.

Two of the guys on the ride tonight came back to check on me after that second fall. I couldn’t even speak. I realized if I tried, I was going to just start crying. I figured they would appreciate it if I resisted. I held up my index fingers in the universal sign for “give me a minute”. It was hard to breathe, and hard to choke back those tears. If I had been with friends I might have just had my cry and gotten it done with. Those two, more sensible than perhaps they realized, just restarted their conversation and left me be to take care of myself. Which was probably easier when I didn’t feel like I was the center of attention. That didn’t take long, although it felt long for a few moments there. I was lucky, we were almost to the end of the trail; after I pulled myself together, there wasn’t much more riding for me to do. It still took a solid half hour to an hour after we got back in our vehicles and drove down from the trail head until I stopped feeling shaky and scared.

Mountain biking is like that, at least for me. The places I go are peaceful and beautiful. And the trail demands all of my attention, so no worrying about this or that or the other thing while I am riding. It’s almost like meditation in that I have to have a singular focus. I ride my bike and do nothing but ride my bike. I am constantly growing, not just in strength, but in skill. I learn how to do more and more as I go on. But it’s not without its price. I do fall off sometimes, no major injuries, but plenty of ugly bruises and, in the past, I’ve had an occasional lasting sprain or strain. It’s certainly not fun to get hurt, but there’s something fundamental that I learn about who I am by getting knocked around a little. Every fall has a lesson, if I stop to observe, think, and learn it. I won’t do Gu; I don’t do sleep deprivation, or working so hard I vomit. But I will continue to do this. Sometimes I wish I could skip this part, the being scared more than the falling off, but I know I am learning a lot, and growing, and that is why I signed up for this.