Something on the order of 10-20 emails later, I finally got my speaker on the schedule for the undergraduate seminar. I handled most of the arrangements; I’ve been trying to get this scheduled since the beginning of the semester. The speaker is coming next week Wednesday; I think it was long past time!

I just want you to imagine for a second how much frustration is built in to working with someone who requires 10-20 requests and reminders to do a fairly routine and straightforward job of putting a speaker on a schedule, reserving a room and designating a time. It would have been easier if I had just had a special seminar for this speaker, arranging the room and time myself.

Needless to say, I am not going to work with that undergraduate seminar organizer again any time soon if I can avoid it. Of course, my boss may dictate that I can’t avoid it. It’s sad, because I have another (good) speaker lined up for that seminar, and I’m not willing to put either of us through this nonsense.
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I feel tense and angry. Describing the interactions earlier today, I’ve said I had to throw a hissy fit in order to get the job done. I feel like a real bitch.

I look at those judgments. I got justifiably angry after so many repeated requests. “I threw a hissy fit,” really? I think everyone is within their rights to get angry and frustrated under those circumstances. Having to make repeated strident requests of someone to please do their job … it feels bitchy, but is that bitchy? It is the helplessness and frustration of having to work with someone who is not working.

Since I am female and I am angry and frustrated, even I label myself as bitchy.

I think men (and other women) deemed special and important find those of us deemed less special and less important (in part because of our gender) easy to ignore and blow off. Too often we get labeled as bitchy when someone blow us off and we don’t go along with it. And, sadly, even I cooperate with this and label myself as bitchy.

I feel bitchy.

But I think I was justifiably angry. Very angry. And very justified.

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Today one of the “participation points” opportunities in class was to explain the difference between two Matlab calls to the differential equation solver ode45(). The function, ode45(), solves differential equations of the form
$$\dfrac{d\mathbf{x}}{dt} = \mathbf{f}(t,\mathbf{x})$$
where \(\mathbf{x}\) can be a vector and \(t\) is your independent variable (usually time). The syntax to ode45() is ode45(function, time span, initial condition). The function is the \(\mathbf{f}(t,\mathbf{x})\) in the differential equation. The time span can be given two different ways. I put the following two sets of commands up on the board with a request to explain what each did.

tspan = [0 50];
[t u] = ode45(@lorenz, tspan, u0);

or

tspan = 0:0.01:50;
[t u] = ode45(@lorenz, tspan, u0);

To you the difference may not be obvious (although I hope you could easily Just Ask Google). Possibly it is not obvious to the students either, but I know they are about to get bitten by this in some code they have to write. My students have been instructed to Just Ask Google, I think everyone in the class can figure this out.

Recall that a solution to a differential equation is a function \(\mathbf{x}(t)\). Matlab can’t give you back a function, it gives you back a vector t with the time values and a matrix u where the rows are the components of \(\mathbf{x}\) evaluated at the corresponding time in t

If I give only the start time and end time, tspan = [0 50], Matlab will decide where to evaluate my function \(\mathbf{x}(t)\) in between those points. If I dictate the points in the middle of the range, then Matlab will evaluate \(\mathbf{x}(t)\) where I tell it to. This is useful, since otherwise two solutions to a differential equation may be evaluated at different points, and you may wish to compare them by, for example, finding the distance between them.

Several students found out in office hours that paying attention in class is actually worth while. Running into precisely this problem, I first asked if they remembered what we discussed about this in class. Then I asked if they could bring out their notes from class (notes?!?). Then I had them pull out a piece of paper and wrote out the two commands that had been on the board and I asked again what was the difference. I then reinforced the idea that I really do try to do useful things in class and I would really appreciate it if they paid attention and took notes.

I managed all of this with a fairly even temper.

My patience was tested further by a student unable to solve the differential equation
$$\frac{dx}{dt} = x$$
No signs of intelligence whatsoever after I suggested separation of variables. A differential equations course is a prerequisite for this class, and “I don’t remember anything!” is not much of an excuse. I bitterly blame his differential equations instructor for lax standards, and the sad thing is, she’s the person I see in the mirror every morning as I brush my teeth!

Math formulas courtesy of MathJax, which is awesome and you should check it out.

What if doing what you love, and what you are truly good at, is something that is undervalued, something not respected. A career-limiting proposition. Underpaid, and likely to remain so.

Right now, that’s what I’m thinking. About me. About my career. About teaching.

I keep circling back to the #1 thing, which is that I love it. I think I am truly good at it. Then there are the days when nothing seems to come together. Then there are the moments when it all comes together.

It’s not about me and my brilliant lecture, or my carefully written assignments. It is all about them and what they learned and what they are taking away from this time we’ve spent together, from the time they’ve spent alone, learning.

I can live with being underpaid, but I’d rather not be. I have a hard time with the not respected. I think I should do something about that. Command respect. Sometimes I need to command a little more respect, and I don’t know how. My voice feels silenced.

I get that I work in a research university, and that research is king. But it is a research university. Isn’t teaching the mission of a university? Aren’t the students the reason to have the university?

And yes, I, too, find those pesky students mighty inconvenient from time-to-time, when I have to get other work done. When someone that I don’t even know is knocking on my office door asking me for help with a homework problem that I didn’t assign.

If I had my choice between working with a student and other work, I’d rather work with the student. There is nothing on this earth like the feeling of seeing someone get it.

There has to be a balance between the two missions. Research and teaching. A balance where both are valued and both are respected.

I feel like we are way out of balance. Respect for the teaching mission, at least where I’ve been lately, seems hard to come by.

I am going to hold my head high, and I am going to do the what I can to be respectable and respectful. I will not always be quick enough with my words to rebuff all of the disrespect that come my way. Others will look down on me, nothing I can do about that.

If the math on this page is not formatted correctly, try reloading the page.

Some problems with a colleague have me thinking back to the list I gave my students at the beginning of the semester:

• Show up on time for class.
• Bring a smile or a kind word for someone in our class every single day.
• Stay in the classroom for the entire class period.
• Participate.
• Use class time productively for class work.
• Be professional.

Is that everything required for success? Of course not. But if you are struggling with the list, you are probably also struggling to achieve success. Strange how that goes hand-in-hand.

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What are we learning in class these days? We are working on Project 1, which is all about the Lorenz attractor. We are going to use Matlab to solve the system of differential equations in the Lorenz attractor, and then make graphs that show clearly that we see the butterfly effect.

Merriam-Webster definition of BUTTERFLY EFFECT:

a property of chaotic systems (as the atmosphere) by which small changes in initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system

The Lorenz attractor is an example of a chaotic system

Merriam-Webster definition of CHAOS:

2b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex natural system (as the atmosphere, boiling water, or the beating heart)

I skipped definition 1 and 2a, since 2b is the one of concern to us. The Lorenz attractor is unpredictable, but it is deterministic there is no element of chance involved; it does what it does.

One of the first struggles that students have is to figure out what system is the the Lorenz attractor a mathematical model for? Students often answer that it is a mathematical model for the butterfly effect, because that is what we will demonstrate in the project we do for our class. Lorenz’s equations actually model convection in the atmosphere where you have a fluid (such as air) heated from below and cooled from above. We expect that heat rises, so the air molecules rise when heated, then they fall when cooled. This forms a circulatory pattern, which is, unsurprisingly, what we see when we solve the differential equations for the Lorenz attractor.

One question I posed to my students is whether or not the behavior of

$$\frac{dx}{dt} = x \qquad \hbox{with}\ x(0) = 1 \qquad \hbox{or}\ x(0)= 1.001$$
is an example of the butterfly effect and chaos. Notice that solutions are of the form
$$x(t) = Ae^t$$ with \(A = 1\) or \(A=1.001\) respectively. This is clearly not chaotic, we can predict what \(x(t)\) will equal at any time. But equally clearly, it is very sensitive to the initial conditions; small changes in the initial condition lead to large changes at \(x(10)\) or \(x(15)\). Is this an example of the butterfly effect?

This example is not chaos. This is a demonstration of sensitive dependence on initial conditions. But since it is not in a chaotic system, it is not a demonstration of the butterfly effect. Now contrast that picture with what you see for the Lorenz attractor.

I hope running through these questions help them to figure out (mathematical) chaos, and just how cool the Lorenz attractor is.

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I am using MathJax to make the mathematics on this page!

I had a tense and angry day at work today. I had a lot of meetings lined up this day, I still have 10 hours of grading to get finished before Tuesday, and probably ~3-5 days worth of miscellaneous required projects that should get done in the next 2 weeks in addition to my regular teaching/work schedule. I know. This is why I have a reduced teaching load. On the other hand, it’s still too much.

Part of me really wants to rant at you about that. Part of me doesn’t want to have that out on my blog.

Change of subject. Back to teaching.

The first challenging Matlab assignment was due yesterday in the modeling class. Many students rose to the challenge; I know a few learned a lot in the past week. Then there’s the vocal minority who plainly started late, discovered it was challenging, and then had problems completing their work. I was very disappointed in a few repeat offenders. I feel bad for them, but the usual late penalties will apply.

I fear for them (and their partners) for the first project. We start now, and they have two weeks to get it done. If you start early, it is doable to finish it all up. If you wait, however, once again, technology can (and will) bite you.

I know that I can’t fix my students. I can’t make them plan ahead. I can’t make them care. I can’t make this class and the work (and it is work) meaningful for them. They have to find the meaning themselves, and the desire to be here and succeed.

Sometimes all I can do is teach the lesson that, yes, it takes work. And that logical consequences will be administered if that work isn’t getting done on time.

I also got to spend time with a student talking about a math/programming (research) problem today. It is always a pleasure to take 45 minutes and spend it unpacking a problem and figuring out some ways to approach it. Knowing that while I didn’t solve it, I was able to provide some solid direction. Even though I’m not a tenure-track faculty, even though I don’t have a research program, even though, to many minds, I don’t do “important work”, I get to help my students do math that is important to them. They are important to me.